updated at 2:57 AM on June 30, 2004
Have you ever been forced to make a very tough decision in your life? You don’t know what decision will benefit you or others around. You know how the decision will affect the people around you and that is the only reason why you don’t want to change. That and the fear of losing someone who is very great to you. Sometimes I wonder why I cant just be happy with what I have. The way my life is... I don't understand what I want anymore or even whom I love anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am in a coal mine that closed in on me and I try to dig my way upwards to the surface to come out cause no one Is rescuing me... And when I almost get out of the mine, my cave I created falls apart around me and once again I have to dig to the surface, alone, and in the dark. Don't try to ask me what my problems are, I can't talk about them really with anyone, and what hurts the most is that I can't share them with the one that I trust the most Holly. It's not that she can't try to fix my problem and make me feel better, it’s that I need to fix this on my own, because if someone reaches a hand into my mine to try to pull me out of the cave I dug I will slip and fall back in it later. It's dark down here and I still see no light out. I often hear other co-workers often trapped but it is so dark I cannot find them or cannot help them either.... I guess I am getting a little too metaphorical but this is how I feel about my life as now. Sometimes they say time heals all wounds and that may be true, but I feel like I don't have much time to wait around. My birthday is in 22 days and I will be 18, with makes my time feel shorter. I wonder who will recognize my birthday, I don’t think I have done enough right in this world to ever be recognized on the 18th time I have revolved around are solar systems sun. Like I said in the past on that date no one will know where I am, I plan on losing myself and trying to understand my life and what direction It is going. I bit of personal reflection I guess...
Time is passing me by so fast I feel like I am beginning to fall into a deep depression, Fathers day came around a bit ago and all I wanted in the world was a call from my old man. I don't know why seeing how poorly he has treated me in the past years, but I still ended up buying him a nice card and wrote "I Still think about you will you give me a call we haven’t talked in weeks I miss you, Love Bryan". I never got a call from him. I feel like with my family being so far away I really have none anymore, and that is hard for me to deal with. I know most of you who are reading this can't understand; maybe the only person I know that would understand this is my mom. She went through this kind of situation when she was younger than me. I now realize how hard it must have been on her, and how much she has done for me just trying to raise me. I miss her a lot. I think back often having flashbacks at almost 6 years ago. I often remember why I choose to live down here. At the time All I wanted was to have a relationship with a man I was just getting to know, my dad, and to have a relationship with my brother. Unfortunately after almost 6 years I didn’t get either of the two. I did however get some really great friends and an awesome girlfriend who has stayed by my side even when I did not know for shore if I wanted her to.
I love you all.
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